flying humour

[edwin]

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

They need to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whisky on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol before she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife before the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't ‘f##k’ with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Dozer]

Australian Police Entrance Test

An Australian man is seeking to join his State Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

I thought it was "Take this badge, go visit this drug dealer, impound 99.95 grammes of marajuiana and fine him for possession. You don't need to arrest if it's less than 100g. Keep the rest of what you find, don't report it, and sell it onwards yourself."

I don't know how reliable a source my sister's college friend is though. Hang on, where's the flying or the humour gone...

[edwin]

Looks like I've upset them all but the Rabbit? Sorry

[Dozer]

Eh, not upset - I know three things about the police in my family's native Australia. (I live in London.)

1) They carry handguns into town centres where they enforce jaywalking laws.

2) They allegedly spend a lot of time setting up hidden speedtraps on the roads outside of town.

3) They, very very allegedly, will 'harvest' a drug dealer's merchandise and sell it themselves as described above, setting the dealer up to get only a minimal fine and no prosecution so he can live to be harvested another day. Allegedly.

Anyway, here's some actual aviation humour, from the PPRuNe ATC Humour thread:

Nice one, WX Man - reminds me of a similar conversation I had a few years ago with Thames Radar while I was receiving a Flight Information Service as I was routing around their zone. Flying G-FA, I had been told to report at the QE2 bridge and I was just monitoring when I heard:

G-ZZFA: Thames Radar, G-ZZFA, [blah blah]

Thames: G-ZZFA, Flight Information Service you have, use full callsign, similar callsign on frequency

G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA

Thames: Negative, G-ZZFA, use FULL callsign

G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA

There was a pause at this point, presumably while the controller found something hard to bash his head against. As I had just reached the QE2 bridge, I called in as requested:

Me: G-BBFA, at the QE2 bridge

Thames: Thank God one of you is awake. Break break. G-ZZFA immediate 180 turn - you have entered the control zone without a clearance. Acknowledge

G-ZZFA: Was that for me or the other FA, G-FA?

Some days the controllers in Thames really do earn brownie points for their patience.

MD.

[edwin]

Nice one. Numbers 2 & 3 are prevelant throughout the world Digger' number three in particular. 'Where there's Muck there's money--Where there's money there's Muck'

Gotta sign off now--Got the 'Rights for Rabbits Brigade's Legal team on the Blower' Have a G'day Dozer.

[Ben Russell]

[Swashbuckler]

A passenger woken up when the cabin lights were turn on as the plane readied for landing was heard to say...

'Who turned the F##king light on?'

To which the Flighty replied in a sweet tone....

'....sorry Sir.... This is the Landing Lighting.....You slept through the F##king lights'

[JGregory]

The Blonde Pilot.....

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and

get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

Edited May 4, 2012 by JGregory

[Simmo W]

can't believe I hadn't seen this site before!

I like the idea, maybe Pete or Goran can do the floats..

http://aviationhumor.net/canadian-f-18-sea-hornet/

[Pete_SMS]

I guess aircraft carriers will become pretty much obsolete pretty soon....and these F-18s will be on the step in no time.....

[Sethesus]

[Simmo W]

I guess aircraft carriers will become pretty much obsolete pretty soon....and these F-18s will be on the step in no time.....

maybe Pete, but I'd love to see how they get serviced!

First dev to make an amphibious 747 is my hero! will make cruise connections extra convenient? Mind the step ma'am.

[philipp]

@Sethesus: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xme7s_george-carlin-airline-announcements_news

[Hampster]

Really funny, *this message has been pre posted*

[larjeet]

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is tough to watch. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Air Show Disaster - Amazing photo shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

[ClodSlayer]

[Simmo W]

Why, oh why?! Though if its mouth could move, I could make some funny Machinima..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvhruOK_DiM

[edwin]

Maybe not flying but funny anyway---enjoy

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were having a drink in a pub.

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister quite a few times "

[scubajuan_new]

"What is the purpose of the propeller? The purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilot cool.

You don't believe that?

If the propeller stops, watch how the pilot starts to sweat."

Edited October 2, 2012 by scubajuan_new

[howardthepilot1999]

LOLOL

[Claude D]

[Nicola_M]

[Ryan M.]

http://www.dailyspicy.com/random/airplanes-id-rather-not-fly-on-46-photos/

[edwin]

Love it!!...

[Claude D]